WE INTERRUPT THIS WEEK’S SCHEDULED EPISODE OF SPACE, SWORD & SANDAL FOR THIS BREAKING NEWS REPORT FROM CLC’s (CANUCKIAN LIVECASTING COMPANY) PREMIERE INVESTIGATIVE NEWS JOURNAL:
THE 51st eSTATE!
Tonight, on The 51st eState:
TALKIN’ THE TURNING TIDES OF TURMOIL AT TIN ORTON’S
“Livecasting live from the Tin Orton’s Robotic Donut Shoppe on the corner of Yay and Bung Streets in Raptoronto, your trusted Canuckian news source, The 51st Estate, presents this live special town hall interview with everyday Canuckian citizens discussing the shocking and utterly bizarre possibility of our native and home land’s annexation as the 51st Unimerican State.
Moderated, of course, by CLC’s very own Oddrian Clockson...”
Oddrian Clockson adjusted the sheen on her signature asymmetrical Sally Shears mirrored shades and leaned into the microphone. The aroma of Ai enhanced maple syrup wafted through the air, mingling with the scent of freshly synthesized donuts.
Tin Orton’s was unusually packed, its usual mechanical efficiency slightly lagging as overworked Auto-Baristas struggled to keep up with the influx of coffee orders.
“Good evening, my fellow Canuckians,” Oddrian began, tapping the notes on her holopad. “As you all know, our Unimerican neighbours to the south have a new CEO President, and Trumpeter Swansong has wasted no time making political overtures that—depending on who you ask—range from ‘mildly concerning’ to ‘outright existential threat.’ So, let’s hear from the people.”
Crimony “Crim” Tsun of the Vermillion Party, her scarlet toque pulled down low, leaned forward and exhaled sharply.
“It’s obvious. We’re looking at becoming Unimerica’s northern gulag. This is where they’ll send all the people they don’t want—dissidents, protestors, whistleblowers…
Hell, probably their entire indigenous population once they clear their sacred lands for another wave of corporate pillaging.
First, they came for our oil sands. Now, they want everything. Canuckians won’t be citizens—we’ll be prisoners of the 51st state.”
Whymes Wirth of the Orange Party shook their head.
“You’re all missing the bigger picture—this is about Xelon Rusk. He wants to rule forever. But there’s a pesky little thing in the Unimerican constitution that says only a naturally born Unimerican can be President.
What if the rules change?
What if, say, Canuckia gets annexed and suddenly Xelon Rusk, Canuckian-born but South Awfricken-raised, can slither into power? A lifetime CEO President, unchecked, unlimited, unfiltered. Think about it!”
Sir “Rule” Iron of the Azure Party slammed his fist onto the table, rattling and nearly knocking over a partially eaten tray of signature self-delivering Tinbits.
“You’re all overcomplicating this. It’s about resources—plain and simple. Unimerica needs Canuckia’s land, minerals, and most importantly, water.
These AI megaprojects aren’t cooling themselves. "Uncle” Spam Altabman’s ‘Project Storegate’ DataGiga-Centers will burn through our freshwater faster than Unimerica can privatize it.
They don’t just want Canuckia—they need it to keep their empire of algorithms calculating.”
Charlotte “Char” Truce of the Limy Party sipped her triple-triple, furrowed her brow, and waved a dismissive hand.
“All that’s a bit dark, eh? Look, let’s focus on the real issue—flag logistics. There’s no way they’re getting a Maple Leaf onto that monstrosity they call a flag.
Nine stripes of varying widths and one big star as hollow as their hearts?
Old Gory? It’s a design nightmare!
And don’t even get me started on the whole ‘strategic maple syrup reserves’ thing. You all remember the Great Maple Syrup Heist of 2011, right?
I wouldn’t put it past them to be after our sweet, sweet liquid gold again.”
Al “Capitan” Jerque of the Privateer Party leaned back in his seat, propped up by his cybernetic peg leg, electricorn hat slightly askew.
“Laddies, laddies, laddies—there’s only one answer to this. We dust off our trusty Honky Talk Tech and reactivate our massive mecha protector—GUARDIAN GOOSE-O-TRON!
Who else can stop an authentic comic book villainous protagonist like Trumpeter Swansong?
Plus, don’t forget Professor Honkers and the Mechatronic Canuckian Defence League—G-FARCE!
I tell you, if Unimerica makes a move, they’ll be staring down the double-fisted barrels of the flying cobra chicken technique faster than you can say ‘honk, honk.’”
Meanwhile, in the background, the Party on Dude Party members clinked glasses, downed their drinks, indulged in their smoked-bacon donuts and laughed.
They had nothing to say on the matter and just partied on.*
Oddrian Clockson sighed. “Well, folks, there you have it. Five theories, each more ridiculous and plausible than the last. What’s the truth? Who knows anymore? In a world where disinformation reigns supreme, the only certainty is uncertainty itself.”
She paused, glancing at his holopad as a breaking headline scrolled across the screen:
“BREAKING NEWS: Unimerican CEO President Trumpeter Swansong suggests purchasing and renaming the island nation of Emeralund to ‘Red, White and Blueland’—sparking immediate global outrage.”
Oddrian exhaled. “Well, isn’t this just prime?”
The autonomous omni-cameras panned across the room—over Crim’s grim expression, Char’s frustrated scribbles, Whymes’ wild gesturing, Sir Iron’s stoic nodding, and Al Capitan Jerque’s oddly confident smirk.
The people of Canuckia didn’t know what would happen next.
But one thing was certain.
Something was coming.
And it wasn’t going to be polite.
“This has been The 51st Estate, broadcasting live from Tin Orton’s. Stay informed, stay caffeinated, and for the love of all things mapley—stay alert.”
NEVER THE END…
*BEYOND THE PAYWALL PAID SUBSCRIBERS ALONG WITH FOUNDING & FUNDING MEMBERS WILL DISCOVER WHY THIS ASTERISK EXISTS…???
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